Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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