Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
