Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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