Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
