Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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