You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
