I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
