Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
