DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
