My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
