It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
