Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
