Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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