I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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