You're so nebulous sometimes
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
