before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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