tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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