She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
