Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
