i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
