I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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