You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
