i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
