The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
