I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
