he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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