So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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