took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
