Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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