shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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