Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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