I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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