God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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