I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
