I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
