You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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