I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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