So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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