Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize
