Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
