We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
