I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
