It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
