from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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