Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
