if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i was born a porn star she said
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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