im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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