I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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