I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
