I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
